why the 'work' isn't working
an offering in Integrated Somatic Inquiry
hi friends! sharing a bit of my story and my heart with you all today.
I’ve been in this ‘game’ for a while.
I’ve been of the Vitalistic orientation for about 9 years now - that there is an Inherent, Innate Intelligence that permeates and animates the design. that there is a Being-ness to this human.
if you’re like me, you’ve done all or many of the “things” on your “health journey” in pursuit of what you know is available. and if you’re like me, you’ve had the feeling or question, “if I’m doing all of the things, why isn’t it working OR why am I not shifting?”
I’ve done the breath-work, the practices, the journaling, the Chiropractic care (all forms), the reiki sessions, the meditations, the crystals, the negation practices, the coaching. I’ve read more books than I can count and have consumed countless hours of content from teachers and masters in their fields.
all of those things and ways have supported me exactly as I needed them to. they’ve done their jobs. like steps towards the door of ‘Knowing Thyself’, they’ve met me perfectly in the seasons that I was in when I utilized them (and occasionally still).
and yet…
certain patterns were still playing out.
strain with my parents
many of you know that at the end of my apartment lease about a year ago, I decided to move out and in with my parents so that I could save some resources and have flexibility while on my journey and process in exploring a new place to land. what I didn’t expect was that ALL of my own stuff would ‘come with a vengeance’ while I was there. I’m sure you’ve heard or read the Ram Dass quote, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a weekend with your family”.
after a month or two of being there, I could feel myself go into a “down-and-out” state - low energy, low motivation, lack of desire for much; a classic territorial loss conflict expression. I could feel strain and tension with my parents: being short, disconnected, disengaging. most of the time when I would walk into the house I feel a desire to hide and close off. none of this was from ANYTHING they did, but was a pattern I had experienced before with them (kind of like a teenager, huh?).
ruminating on a previous partner
another “trigger” that was still activating me was coming into contact with a previous partner. I would see her randomly (or not so randomly) at a Chiropractic teachers studio, on sporadic weekends when I would visit friends in Colorado, and experience a significant amount of tension and stomach tightness. our relationship ended years ago, but at this phase in my journey, I’m not so oblivious to not realize that there was something there for me to look at. I would find myself ruminating on the relationship: things I had said or done that left me feeling guilty, frustrated with myself, and ashamed. I didn’t know what to do with that or how to “release it”. sure I could distract myself, journal it out, meditate on it, but it would still come back.
blocks in decision making
‘stuck-ness’ and indecision were still running the show when making a decision about travel or where to explore next. when I know what I want, I know what I want and there’s no lag-time between call and response. but with this…I would have the desire to look at the map and see what felt right, all to be halted by an anxiousness and lack of clarity. I would just sit there and stare at my computer, desperately hoping something with come up…which of course would lead to me shut my laptop down and distract myself with my phone instead. most of the time, it would actually result in not making a decision at all and pass on an opportunity to do something, leading to more frustration and self-deprecation.
then entered ISI - Integrated Somatic Inquiry - at just the right time.
what I came to realize through ISI was that I was living from “dysfunctional” patterns rooted in identities (contexts) that are based in accumulated ‘lies’ from experiences and conflicts I’ve had through out my Life.
I was still believing that, at some level, I needed those ways of being so that I could avoid experiencing that was I inherently “bad”, “unloved”, “unsafe”, and “not cared for”.
why my other practices didn’t “do the job”
I will say, out of ALL of the practices and paths I’ve experienced beyond ISI, Vitalistic Chiropractic is the most potent. it’s inherently designed to catalyze an inward-looking process by bringing attention to that which has yet to be seen. Chiropractic (in its True expression), unlike most modalities or “holistic” paths, recognizes that Being-ness + Vitality come from within and that the only thing to do is remove what interferes.
and for as many incredibly revealing and permanently opening experiences I’ve had in receiving this type of care (and offering it), there were still some things I couldn’t see clearly.
beyond Chiropractic, all of the other practices have been great, but they don’t work at the level of the Identity - who we believe ourselves to be.
breath-work and other regulatory practices? amazing and can be a support in downgrading strong sympathetic or conflictual activity and create temporary internal space. but don’t necessarily help us cut through the lies we believe to be true about ourselves. these are often things that we have to come back to over and over again to release pressure from the valve.
protocols, supplements, nourishment styles, “bio-habits” and hacking, gadgets, gear, etc? all working in the physical plane. not bad, but again, are working in the downstream effects.
I love journaling, but you can’t see what you can’t see. I would get stuck or confused halfway through my writing. these identities have a way of concealing themselves and are often challenging to see ourselves unless we have someone acting as a mirror for us.
EVERYTHING has its place.
and what a gift that is. but when you start to uncover what’s really at the root of it all, it shifts your attention in the “work” that you choose to pursuit and prioritize. eventually, we have to look at the fruits of our labor…and sometimes that can be a gut-punch if we view it as having been a waste of time. one of the biggest shifts is in recognizing that ALL of your work, practices, and paths has led you to this exact moment in time.
and so if my identity - who I believe myself to be - is at the root of my perception, physical and behavioral adaptations, etc., it would make sense for me (and all of you) to work at that level and watch the downstream effect take place.
this is where Integrated Somatic Inquiry came in.
at the peak of my indecision, confusion, frustration, and internal tension, ISI helped break it all down.
what I learned was that…
the tension in the relationship with my parents was an expression of me unconsciously trying to get attention, connection, and love in the presence of BELIEVING THE THOUGHT that I’m unloved and disconnected…that on some level, I believed those things came from the outside-in. in working through previous moments and concepts where agreement and acknowledgement equaled love, I remembered and experienced that love, connection, and compassion can be catalyzed FROM me.
the rumination of a previous relationship was the signal for me to look at it more deeply and find the humility to acknowledge and own MY PART for the suffering and pain that came from it years ago. that all of the conflict, strain, and tension came from the thought, “I’m bad”. and in the attempt to avoid proving the identity right, more conflict and tension would arise. and in owning my side - literally - freedom and healing came to us both.
that the stuck-ness in my decision making was a purposeful way to AVOID experiencing loneliness and the potential of making a “wrong” decision (there are no wrong decisions in the grand scheme of it all), because that may mean that “I’m a failure”. it wasn’t that I was being indecisive, but that I was deciding NOT to experience those things. in the absence of those thoughts, I booked a month and a half long adventure and incredible experiences along the way.
you can read about that here:
in this process I started realizing that ALL of those patterns and experiences were playing out perfectly. Inquiry helps us understand that ALL patterns and ways of being aren’t random, but Intelligent, and can lead us towards greater states of authenticity, honesty, and aliveness. though the patterns and ways of being we experience may be “dysfunctional” (ie they don’t give us the outcome we think they do but do them anyways), they do make sense once you understand what they’re attempting to get or gain as a result. if you know about German New Medicine, you know that this is the QUINTESSENCE.
my strain led to connection.
my guilt and shame led to acceptance and understanding.
my confusion led to clarity.
all of which led to experiencing and creating more space, more openness, more love, and more freedom. without effort.
an invitation
consider where you’re in process.
take a moment to get still and connected to your body.
take each question as a contemplation:
where are you still living in tension?
where are you still experiencing frustration, disconnection, or disassociation?
where are you still living inauthentically?
which practices do you still feel a slave to because the same things keep popping up over and over and over?
are your practices bringing you into awareness and understanding and UNWINDING of the identities that are running the show?
can you imagine the experience of NOT NEEDING those things to be well?
to be free?
to move, without second thought, in the direction of congruency, authenticity, and integrity?
if the latter feels impossible or distant, then there’s “work” to do :)
ready to resolve, dissolve, and unwind?
after studying and experiencing ISI for the last six months, I’m ready to do this work with and support others so that they can move in the direction of freedom and Being.
I’ll be bringing it through in the Unwinding - a 3 month, 6 call ISI-driven offering designed to help you uncover and unwind core identities that are at the helm of your symptoms and your challenges.
Integrated Somatic Inquiry helps us not only bridge the gap between our unconscious identities, dysfunctional patterns, and “symptoms”, it also offers us a way to dissolve what’s at the root. ultimately, it brings us towards the Truth. and the Truth is what frees us.
if this landed for you and you’re curious about what it looks like to work at this level, book a free 30-minute connection call with me below.
lots of love to you all,
chris